On a Mysterious Note

As we were leaving the shower, my sister Ann handed me a small box and told me that someone asked her to give it to me. As most of the guests had left, I assumed someone forgot to bring it in at the beginning of the party. The note said to open it at home. I opened it on the way home.

A card was on top. It said, "We are the fertility God and Goddess. If you wish to be fertile, hang us on your bedpost. If not, hide us in a drawer. -The Fertility Fairy"

I opened the tissue paper, and out popped two small dolls, made of wood, rope, beads, fabric, and fibers. They have beads, rope, and fibers to show the correct male and female genitalia: the boobies, the wa-hoo and the hoo-ha.

I have so many questions.

• We don't have bedposts; will the foot of the bed do?
  

• We don't have an empty drawer in the bedroom; will they 'infect' our clothes with fertility?

• We may have to put them in the kitchen drawer; will they turn the kitchen utensils into fertility utensils and give fertility to all who eat at our house?
  

• I have them out of the box right now; am I going to be fertile today?
  

• I almost opened the box yesterday at the hall with a bunch of people in the room; would they have been given instant fertility?
  

• I'd like to hang them on the wall in the den; will this bring us fertility there, or does the fertility seep to all parts of the house?

• There isn't any kind of warrenty on them; how long will the fertility last?
  

And:

• Who the hell gave us these dolls?